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crosswords and constitutionals, part deux


"This is the Journal-News subscription line, how may I help you?"

"I'd like to cancel my subscription please."

"I'm sorry to hear that ma'am, is there anything I can do to persuade you otherwise?"


"May I have your address please?" Address. "Could you confirm the phone?" Confirmed.

"Rather canceling your subscription today, I'd be happy to continue it free of charge for a month so you have time to reconsider."

"Thank you but no."

"A free month of information, entertainment, news..."


"Very well ma'am. I will cancel your subscription. I would appreciate if you could please tell me why so I can pass it on to interested parties."

"Why certainly. I can no longer subscribe to this or any other Gannett publication based on content."


"Yes. Content. The content of the Journal-News reached an entirely new level of stupid this morning which is why I have to cancel. I can't allow my 4th grader near the paper for fear that it will actually lower his IQ."

"Excuse me? Could you be more specific ma'am?"

"Sure! This morning, on the editorial page of the Rockland County Journal-News, the editor chose to print a letter, a couple of column inches actually, saying that the new crossword puzzle format was too difficult and he was upset because he could not finish it before pooping."

There was a good two seconds of absolute silence on the other end of the line. And then quietly:

"Excuse me? Did you say poop?"

"Yes, I did. Only he used the word 'constitutional' to mean poop. That is why I absolutely, must cancel my subscription today."

Another second of silence:

"Absolutely Ms. Knowlton. The account is cancelled."


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